"why don't you ever write anything when we're in contact?"

{04.19.2025}

"why don't you ever write anything when we're in contact?"

i think it's because, when i'm with her, she's still all i think about, but i take advantage of being able to tell her, rather than pray she sees it on the internet. they're like silent love letters in an attempt to keep no contact, knowing that she sees them but isn't hearing directly from me. like a muted text thread that's only opened when they want to hear what you have to say.

when we're in no contact, i don't have an outlet to tell her how i'm feeling. but when i'm with her, and we're okay, i just want to pour every thought directly into her. she still has my full attention either way, it's just a matter of where the outlet has to flow to. and when i have the opportunity to say it directly, of course i utilize it, because my writing always seems like indirect messages that haven't been sent, rather they sit in a folder where only a few can find them.

i was surprised she remembered it anyways, as i hadn't written recently, but logged in only to find traces of her. that was when i chose to begin writing again, remembered the silent outlet that i had to express myself.

but why be silent about it, and keep it hidden, when i could remind her every day how much i love her? how much she means to me, how beautiful she is. why put it all in a folder, when i have the opportunity to call her and hear her voice? her laugh, the way she speaks, the comments and the jokes. why would i only make it indirect, when i can send a message that she sees in an instant?

regardless of circumstance or situation, she will always have my full attention, even in my dreams. we're states away, but i dream of her and the way that being with her feels. the comfort she brings, the light in my eyes. not only my eyes, but my soul and my ambition. my attention could not be anywhere else but with her. and i just love being able to tell her.