the journal entries pt 1: no contact

{01.07.2025}

2pm

i only ever wanted you. i only wanted it to be you. how can i fit so perfectly with someone but it can still be so hard to make things work, how can i love someone so deeply and FEEL their love so deeply but still have days where they don't want to speak to me. how can there be days where it feels like they entirely want to cut me off? it feels like destroying my own heart, wanting something so badly that the universe doesn't want me to have. and im a wreck over it, when nothing else gets to me like this. nothing distracts me, nothing gets me past it .. i only wanted you and i am so tired of knowing that even when it feels like you feel the same, it can still feel like you don't. how can you love me the way you have, and still walk away from me? how can you make me feel like i'm the only person that matters, and still walk away? and to make it look so easy .. like it was nothing, like waiting 3 years for a chance means nothing, like the chance we had that felt more perfect than anything i've ever experienced, was nothing. i just don't understand why it's so complicated. how can someone do that?

9:30pm

i keep texting. part of me wants it to go through, part of me hopes it doesn't .. texting when i'm blocked gives me mixed feelings because even though i'm sending them "to you" i know i'm not, so it feels like im still keeping you updated on my life even when i can't. but i don't want to talk about mine, i want to hear about yours. i want to hear about your new job, i want to hear about your new life, i want to hear about your new house. i want to see snow pictures, not just see them through your tiktok while you're ignoring my texts. i miss your voice, and i know you don't miss mine but i miss being in your arms and i miss the scent of your cologne, or feeling your hands on my face or in my hair. i miss you and it's eating at me, i don't know what i did wrong, what i did to deserve this. and even if i want to hate you for it, even if i want to be mad at you for it because i'm just so confused without a real answer, i can't because all i've ever felt for you is love. that's all i've ever wanted to do, is love you. and i'm sorry that i couldn't love you the way you deserved, im sorry that you felt like you had to walk away. i'm sorry for what i did that led to all of the times that you didn't feel good enough, because you were always more than enough and im sorry that i didn't tell you more often. i'm sorry that i didn't drive to see you and apologize that one weekend, i'm sorry that i let you wait up at night wondering if i would when i thought about it. i'm sorry for always being what ruined us and led us to things like this. i know you're better off without me, but i'm not better off without you. i only want you, you're all i've ever wanted and i'm sorry that i didn't know how to show you that.

{01.08.2025}

12:30am

but if you don't want me, please don't pretend that you do. i want you but it's so hard having to fight for a spot that i can't even be sure i'll keep. i stay awake at night wondering if you'll ever come back, wondering if you'll stay the next time or not .. i'm so scared of losing you forever, i'm scared of the "what if" of never holding you again, never kissing you again, never feeling you again. i already feel you everywhere energetically, but to feel that forever and never feel you physically again would haunt me for the rest of my life, and every time this happens it turns into a spiral of what could happen. im not blaming you nor am i mad at you, because i know the way your brain works when it comes to this. but i'm still so scared. just because we didn't talk for 3 years, and still came back together doesn't mean for sure that you would come back again .. and that scares me. i just feel like i'm not enough for you, i'm either too much or not enough. and i want to be enough .. i want to be who you come to, to share your life and accomplishments so that i can support you. that's all i've ever wanted, i will always support you even if it has to be silent but it is so hard to be so cut off from you .. and i'm an emotional wreck and i don't know what to do because as of right now .. it's almost 1am on a tuesday night (so technically wednesday) and i haven't heard from you in 5 days, 6 hours and 9 minutes. i've been counting. i started just counting the hours .. and when it hit 48 hours i started counting days .. just a few hours after the 3 day mark, i was blocked .. and it felt like it was out of the blue because believe it or not, i purposely tried not to spam you. i kept notes of how many times i tried to reach out in those 3 days. 5 texts and 2 calls. and 4 of those were in a time span of 3 hours, but the rest were all at least 20 hours apart. and then i was blocked about 3 hours after the second call. i genuinely don't know where to go from here. it's taking everything in me not to call, i so badly want to talk to you. but even the last phone calls we had, on wednesday, i cried afterward because you seemed uninterested and i know you're busy .. i know you're stressed but i just wanted to hear about your life. and it felt like talking to me was the last thing you wanted to do. & thursday, i only heard from you twice all day and i haven't since. what am i doing wrong? how do i fix this? where do i go from here?

i've already tried cord cutting .. we know how that ended. on the note of that, i don't even know if you still have the jars or the bracelet. i noticed in pictures you sent me that you didn't wear it, which is fine .. i just wanted to give it to you because jars are my love language. and i don't know, i just hope you kept them i guess. and the note, that i sprayed my perfume on .. i don't even know if it stuck. i mentioned it before, and you didn't say anything so i figured you didn't care all that much .. and i know if you can act like that, that i shouldn't feel as deeply as i do about the whole situation. but i do. you are genuinely the deepest feeling i've ever felt, and i could write for days about how i think or feel about you. i just don't understand all of this.

because you've done so much to show me love, not just tell me...

in 2 days notice, you drove out to see me and stay the weekend for the first time. you brought flowers, and your sweatshirts with cologne on them. it's still on one of them.

you did it almost every weekend, for 2 months. took care of my cat while i was at work all weekend, sat with me while i did my homework, ran a bath for me when i came home from work late so that i would actually relax for once. made me do my skincare, watched me get ready in the morning.

you looked at me, in the dimmest of light, 2 and 3am with no makeup on. traced my face with your fingers and told me i was beautiful, that you loved me and promised me that you wouldn't leave. you promised.

and then on a random wednesday, you initiated a breakup conversation over text, i cried for hours and then you drove here, got here at 2am and stayed the night with me. and even though i still wanted to cry, it all felt okay because i was with you. and the next morning, we never even had a real conversation.. you couldn't read my body language or my face with anything i had said. and you left, and i was blocked again. for days.. and then you came back, we talked, i was able to see you actually genuinely communicate how you felt about the situation, and everything felt okay again ..

and when i didn't have anyone to pick me up from the airport, you crossed state lines with flowers just to make sure i got home safe. they're still in my room, they're still pretty .. but i didn't get to tell you that because it feels like we haven't had a real conversation in weeks.

and i miss you. and i want to talk to you. it's taking so much to not create another number to text you, to not call you from a friends phone or a no caller id .. i'm trying to give you space but i am so scared of the possibility of you not coming back. because i am not a codependent person, but i need you like i've never needed anyone. you're quite literally my other half, the world wouldn't spin without you in it. my home is with you. it's not this apartment, it's not this state, it's not this country. it's you, and wherever you go. you have always had my heart and you know that .. you are my home. and right now i just don't know where to turn to.

please come home. i want you home. i want you with me. i don't want to live this life without you.

10am

i'm sorry if me getting the tattoo felt like too much to you, im sorry if it made you feel smothered or stuck. and i say that because i feel like that was a contributing reason to you leaving again, it feels like the biggest possible reason in my head because .. i don't know, i don't know what else there was because you never communicated anything being wrong, so i really don't know what to think. but if you had, i would've told you like i would've told anyone, that i would have gotten it whether we were in contact or not. i planned it when we were no contact. it wasn't to prove anything, or to try to get your attention. i liked it, i wanted it, i planned it .. all while we were no contact. and i've thought about it for a few years. and the number is everywhere anyways. it doesn't leave.

i was at work monday morning, my first check was $26.74. my checkout $7.26. i was driving toward hammond, but took a different exit because i was going to ponchatoula. exit 26. passed a sign, "26 miles to ____" with a list of places further on. it's everywhere, and i know you don't care and that's fine, but i just wanted to say that it wasn't in an attempt to make you feel like you had to stay because i got it tattooed. it was my idea, it's my body, i don't regret it and i never will, regardless of what terms we're on ever. i associate it with you in my own terms, and i would have gotten it no matter what. even if we don't speak again, even if we don't end up together .. i'm content with having that piece of you on my body for the rest of my life. even if you decide not to stay. because i'd rather have a piece of you, than nothing at all.

2pm

i go back and forth wondering if should block you. i've tried, and keep on undoing it.. i want to hear from you, i just don't know what's going on or if i'm even going to. i heard this quote "let go or be dragged" .. i don't want to be dragged but i don't want to let go. what am i supposed to do?

i call, knowing it'll go to voicemail, but wondering if it will go through. it's been almost 6 days since i've heard from you. it's been a week since i've heard your voice. i just keep wondering what's going on.

11:45pm

i waited 3 days after you blocked me, to even attempt reaching out.. only to still be ignored. i know i said i didn't expect a response .. but i hoped for one, i wanted one .. because that sign, a 26 followed by "hey" on a license plate felt like you were trying to send me a sign that you were thinking about me too. i know i shouldn't have told you, i should've waited until you reached out first .. but i hoped you'd say something. anything. i miss you. i just don't know where i went wrong and i have no closure from this.

are you even looking at my pages the way i look at yours? from a separate account .. i keep you blocked. so that i could unblock you and look, really just to make sure you're okay .. then reblock you so you can't find the account. the sunrise pictures are pretty. so are the snow pictures. i try not to analyze your reposts, but i almost wish there was more to analyze. instead it's just things about not wanting dates, or not having a roster. and i hate to admit it, but i sit here and wonder if you've already seen someone there that you could've connected with. and if you've forgotten about us. and i know you haven't .. i know that's ridiculous, but i wonder if you have.

and i wonder if we'll ever speak again .. and i think that's my fear. because sure, there's a chance that you come back and still have feelings, still want to end up with me someday. but there's also a chance that you unblock me and seem uninterested like you have before. and i don't know which is worse, to speak you uninterested or to never speak again .. which, i guess when i put it into perspective i know we'll speak again, but i don't know when .. will it be a couple of days, a couple of weeks, a month? will we still be out of contact when i graduate? will you change your number so that i can't reach you? i just don't know anything anymore. i feel detached from you, but i feel you everywhere at the same time. and i have this weird sinking feeling that you never want to speak to me again. as much as i hope im wrong in that.

{01.09.2025}

it's officially been a week .. i don't know how to feel. i want to be able to completely step back and focus on me, but it's hard because you live in my head. the "hey" last night? there's no way that was a coincidence..

the last 3 nights, i've woken up at 3am for no reason. this morning, i had just had a dream about you. you met my family, and they liked you. i was able to walk around with, and SEE you and feel you. you're in my dreams every night, i don't understand what's happening. i've tried to refrain from thinking about you, from doing any sort of manifesting, all of that .. i just genuinely dont know what to do. i feel like i don't have an option other than to walk away, but i still want you to come back and i'm scared that if i walk away, you won't. and i don't want to lose you forever. i don't want to lose you at all. how do i come back from this?

i've been "focusing on myself" but it feels like a distraction. started painting my nails, skincare, taking care of my hair, getting my life straight .. but i still think about you. i want to talk to you about it. i want to tell you about it. i miss the hell out of you.

i fell back into self harm .. i know you'd be upset about it. but i did. i'm truly trying to get out of it. i know before you've said "if you ever feel like that please come to me" but i couldn't. i couldn't tell you. it's attention seeking, i don't want to seem like i'm begging for your attention or affection. but i keep wondering .. i keep feeling like i don't want to be here anymore, i only want one person and if i can't make things work with her what's the point? if i'm drawn to that person as the person im supposed to be with, and i still can't make it work, what is the point of loving if i can't make the one person i care the most about feel loved. am i even capable of making someone feel loved, should i even try? if i already feel like a bad friend, and then i'm also not a good partner, why should i try for either one, and would they be better off if i wasn't here? as in .. feeling like you would be better off, if i wasn't tied at your hip. if you were free to love who you wanted. if we weren't tied into some soul contract. would you feel freer, to do and love what and who you want, if i wasn't here, if i wasn't a burden to your life and constantly leaving you needing space? i don't know .. it's just that in my head sometimes, i feel like that would be the best way that i could give you space.

11pm

how are you going to repost what you're reposting and KEEP ME BLOCKED. "unblock me i miss u"

{01.15.2025}

almost 2 weeks. i'm considering genuinely driving to see you, because it's a last resort, i don't want to blow up your phone. i don't want to make myself look stupid calling & calling w no answer. & the thing is, i know you probably think i'm done this time because i've reached out so little, compared to the past .. but it's because i just don't know what to say. it's not that i don't miss you, it's not that i don't want to talk to or hear from you. i just am starting to think that just showing up would be the best option, but it also scares me if i were to drive all that way just to be immediately turned away. i wish that you'd see me, pull me into a hug, and we'd talk about everything and sort it all out. i just wanted to know what i did. what am i doing wrong, that consistently pushes you away and makes you want something else? i only want you for the rest of my life .. i've never been so willing to give up everything else for one thing. i had to ask myself if i wanted more money like my parents want for me, and to be unfulfilled, or to be happy and have everything i needed .. and i chose that i wanted to be happy. i wanted to feel loved. and i only got that from you. i've never loved someone so deeply and craved their soul and comfort the way that i crave yours.

10pm

"this is the song that plays in my head when i think of you" ... am i delusional in thinking that's about me?

{01.17.2025}

12 hours. 12 hours to see you, and covered 5 shifts. thinking that it could help something. i was wrong.

and the thing is, i didn't even really want to do it. i was scared over it. i just felt it was a last resort. but i wasn't stalking you. i didn't go and google your address, i had your location until you blocked me. i also wouldn't have come if you hadn't told me twice before that you wished i would've gone out of my way to try to communicate with you and fix things. when i say twice: i mean the first being the time i told you i had joked w my manager about it, and when i told you about it after the fact you said "i wish you would have. seeing you would've helped", & the second being the weekend after we fell out, before you texted me that following sunday. when i told you that every single night, i had thought about just going. and you told me that every single night, you watched out of your window hoping i would. i was scared of what could happen if i did this. i knew it would either go well, or go horribly wrong. and toward the last hour, i got the sick feeling that it would go wrong. but at that point i was 11 hours in, 9 of which i drove myself .. and it was too late to turn back.

i didn't mean to make you feel unsafe, i didn't mean to make you feel stalked. i wanted a last minute, impulsive spur-of-the-moment trip before school started anyway, and i wanted to see if i could help the situation at all. so i'm sorry that i put you in that position, but that wasn't my intention. i had my reasons, and i had my situations. so if i never hear from you again, i understand. but i stand by what i did within my own reasoning.

i will always love you. and i will always wish it was you, because you brought out the happiest side of me that no one else ever did or ever will. but you also drag me down the lowest when you entirely pull back out of nowhere, and that is what i can't do anymore. if you were able to commit, if i was able to trust that you would stay, i could do it. but i cant, and im sorry, because i will always wish i ended up with you. i will always wish that we had our notebook moment, i will always wish that we had our marriage and kids with a cozy home and a couple pets. but i can't do this constantly. i wish you the best.

{01.21.2025}

1pm

come back.

{01.26.2025}

you weren't in my dreams for awhile, but now you are. the last two nights. i feel like it's a sign you're coming back, but i don't know anymore. how can i have a dream this vivid of kissing someone, being w someone, and not feel them coming back?  i miss you more than anything, but i also start to feel .. like i want you to, and if you could prove you were serious, i'd take you back in a heartbeat. but is that even what you want? am i even what you want?

{01.27.2025}

how can you even taint the airport. i can't step foot into the new orleans airport without thinking of you, and how i wish it was you picking me up. i feel like i should be seeing you. i feel like i should be sending you flight codes, updating you when i leave and when i land. texting you while im at the gate, how much i love you and how much i miss you and want to see you. how i miss your hand on mine, i miss being in your arms. i miss your voice, and the way you smelled. i want to buy your cologne, just for the sake of it. i still feel you everywhere, i still think of you all the time .. and i wonder if you're feeling it too. i miss you. please come home.

{02.09.2025}

i still think about you. i still feel you, i can feel that you're thinking about me too. i can feel that you're coming back, i feel it every time .. the universe sends me signs with it. last night, i had a $100 bill from work, and when i got home i looked at it. written in pencil on it, 5:26p, underneath it, CM. do you see them too, or is it just me?

{02.18.2025}

i'm sorry for texting last night. i'm so used to them not delivering, that i didn't expect it to. it's like i don't really want you to see what i'm sending or have sent .. it's more just to cope, feeling like i'm telling you things without telling you. i should've just resorted to this anyways, because as soon as i saw it delivered i had a pit in my stomach. i'm so scared of messing up even more than i already have, i don't know what to do here. i feel like you unlocked and cracked the door, but i don't know quite yet how to approach it. so i'll just stand outside .. and wait until you come out, or i'll go home and leave mine unlocked too. you're welcome any time, i just don't feel welcome in yours right now .. sure i'm unblocked, but it doesn't mean you want to hear from me. so .. i'm home, the door is unlocked, it's open, just walk in. you know the codes and everything, you know you're welcome here. just .. i don't know where to go from here, so i'll leave you be until you decide, because the ball is in your court this time.