single short entries

(04.29.25}

why can't we stop fighting. why do i have to fight so hard for the one thing i love the most, the one thing that makes me the happiest, how is it fair? why can't we just .. take a deep breath and stop? why do i have to keep fighting w the one person i don't want to ever fight with.

{04.30.2025}

and again i find myself blocked, no explanation or goodbye. i don't know why i can't seem to get this shit right.

not to say that i don't think there's ever a limit, but that i don't think there is a limit with us. and not to say that it's a matter of struggling with distance, but a matter of struggling because of genuinely wanting to be together and the universe pushing it back so far.

saw someone say "we didn't have a happy ending, but man did we have a magical beginning." ... yeah. that part.

{05.01.2025}

i'm just so tired.

just .. tired. no more thoughts, no more words... just tired of fighting to be heard.

and she's not blocked anymore, never blocked. not on socials, not her number .. it's only a matter of reminding myself that she knows how to reach me.

i'm not sad, not mad, no grudges, just nothing. when im never the one in control, i start to think every time feels like a goodbye. and i never know if it is. i never know where her head is. and sometimes, even if it feels like one even when my heart longs for hers, she comes back. i just never know when will be the last time.

i thought the last time was the last time, i didn't think we'd end up here. she promised, she promised. and still broke it. she says she can't trust me, but i start to wonder if i can't trust her promises because they're almost always broken like this .. where do i go from here other than nowhere?

{05.2.2025}

this isn't going to be short, but.

i love you enough to let you go, if that's what you want .. but i often wonder what would have happened, where we would've been if i hadn't fought the way i did. if i hadn't talked you into it every time you "came back" regardless of how you thought it wasn't good for us. if i hadn't, maybe we wouldnt have taken it this far. and if i hadn't, maybe you could've been happier with someone else. and if i hadn't, maybe i wouldn't have dragged you down with me. if i would've just shut my mouth, said "okay", and let you move on with your life, maybe you would've been happier. maybe someone else would have been able to help you heal in ways i couldn't. and i'm slowly learning that overall, maybe, you could've been better off with someone else. and i don't know how to feel about it, because i felt like we fit so perfectly. i didn't think anyone else could suit me the way you did. and i'm still convinced that no one ever could, but i get scared that possibly, maybe that's what im destined to. as much as i hate the thought of it, because i know that no one will ever compare, no one could possibly compare. and i guess i'm just scared of the possibility of it, because i know i'll never feel the same way with anyone .. the way i felt with you. and if it's over, that's okay. i understand. but it never really feels over, and that's what sits in the back of my mind. is that if i tried to move on. i know that any time i looked at someone, i would be looking for you. any time i talked to someone, i would be listening for things you'd say. but i know that if they resembled you, or said a single word you've ever spoken to me, you would still live in my mind. for the rest of my fucking life.

i feel like i don't even have a choice.

{05.03.2025}

finding myself sleeping so that i don't have to think of you. so that i don't have to think about everything i want to tell you. my job recently .. implemented, something bb's used to do that i've been suggesting forever, and i wanted to tell you. i'm going through my closet getting rid of shit, and i just wanted to tell you. i'm so tired and after feeling you, it's hard to sleep alone. i miss being able to call you, and fall asleep on the phone with you so that i could actually sleep. i miss you. and i want to tell you everything. but i can't, and that's what im forced to live with. this is my reality.

i'm sorry. and i miss you.. so much, but i hope you're well, i hope you're happy, i hope you're taking care of yourself.

{05.04.2025}

why is this so hard. why do my ears keep ringing & why do i keep feeling your energy.

there's so much i want to talk to you about.

i don't know what's more confusing - something that feels over, or something that never feels over and it just feels like a matter of waiting. because we never feel over.

{05.05.2025}

sometimes i wonder, if it would be easier on both of us .. if you just never had to hear anything of my existence ever again.

but that's "dramatic," isn't it

{05.19.2025}

your actions today have spoken louder than anything you could possibly say to me. whenever you wonder why i don't always feel emotionally safe in this, remember today.

{05.20.2025}

i don't know what to do anymore.

just text. just call. just .. something.

{05.21.2025} i miss you. i miss talking to you, i miss your voice, i miss your laugh. i hope you're okay, and i guess i just .. hope we're going to be okay.

ouch. that's all. just ouch.

{05.22.2025} unblocking me, to post a video, seeing the reposts.. then reblocking me. i just wish i had answers.

okay.

{05.30.2025}

i thought working a busy friday night would distract me .. i should've known better.

{06.01.2025} the pictures i wanted to send

i miss you.

{06.03.2025} i just hope you're okay.

congrats, you got what you wanted, i'm exhausted.

i'm not talking to multiple people, let alone anyone.

just look at my reposts.

{06.04.2025} i finally did it. i just wish i could've told you about it.

i snapped tonight.. almost mad enough to tell them about you, almost on the verge of tears, but i didn't because i knew i couldn't come to you about it afterward.

i can't keep doing this. i can't keep fighting. i'm too tired and too weak. i'm so sorry that i can't be what you deserve.

i hate the world for taking away the one thing i wanted, so many times. i hate the world for letting me think it would be okay, and dangling it in my face just to pull it away again. i hate the world for breaking my heart into a million goddamn pieces and taking away the only support system that felt like a support system, every time it did. i hate the false hope it gave me, the happiness into the comedown. yeah im not on drugs but that was a hell of a high just to be taken every time, and that's what i hate the world for, for making me feel like i never deserved to be happy. because money doesn't buy happiness. i never cared about the money. i just wanted to be happy, and i just wanted to feel loved. and that is what it has taken from me every time. and to be SILENT about it, makes it a hundred times worse.

but everything i've written about you is back up.. so. i don't know. i'm just tired of pushing.

{06.09.2025}

spent the night with bri, lots of talking, lots of unpacking .. i do plan on telling my parents, regardless of the terms we're on.

there's no one else i want to try with, there's no one else i want to be with. there's no one else i even want to look at, it's only you. her and i had a conversation, about how the strength of relationships can be tested. and how there is no way that i'd still be drawn to this, after this long, after all that we've been through, if it wasn't supposed to end up with you.

i want this, i know it'll take time. i know it'll take work. i know it won't be easy, but i don't care because it's you. i don't want to learn someone else's voice, someone else's scent, someone else's eyes and laugh and habits. i have built a future around you, i picture you in everything. a quiet life, in the mountains with a porch and open view.

and i know it'll take time, i know it'll take effort. i don't care, i want this.

also, that i'm not talking to anyone else. i'm not entertaining anything, i don't want to. i'm emotionally committed to one thing .. no matter how long it takes.

06.24.2025

i know you're just communicating, i'm sorry that im hypersensitive