the journal entries pt 2: breaking no contact

{02.19.2025}

i don't quite know if want to text again and send you this, so i'll put it here.

i will always love you unconditionally. you will always have a safe place with me. i'm still so proud of you, and still want you to have everything in the world that you could ever dream of. you're so strong and resilient, and i admire those traits in you, i always have. as much as i want to talk to you, tell you everything that's happened, my accomplishments or my short comings .. i don't know what to say to you or how to talk to you. i have the deepest form of unconditional love for you & want nothing more than to see you accomplish all of your dreams, & you've been in mine ever since you left. i don't regret the tattoo, even if we never speak again i know you'll always have a place in my heart and it will sit right with me to have that on my body. it's hidden, too, so no one sees it but me, unless i show them. i don't always tell them about you when i show them, i just tell them it's an angel number. i'm okay with them thinking that i'm shallow for just tattooing a number & calling it an angel number, because i know what it represents for me. while you were gone, i didn't delete your pictures, just hid them so i wouldn't see them. i kept the flowers from thanksgiving until i came home from acda, and then put all of your things in a box. i finally deleted the text thread after a month, which i feel like i needed to do but i'll miss reading the way that we were. i didn't forget you though, i counted the minutes from when i last heard from you. one month, two weeks, three days, three hours and fifteen minutes until you reached out. i screenshotted every initial tiktok with C and M that i saw, and hid them with the other pictures. and i just keep thinking.. when we were good.. we were perfect. nothing has ever felt more right emotionally. i haven't been able to connect with anyone since, i genuinely felt my heart break & after that, i've emotionally been numb other than tears when i wonder what a conversation with you would be like now. i wonder if you'd even want anything, or if you'd keep your distance & act like it was nothing. i still picture you in my room, in my apartment. there are so many moments that play in my head, so many questions and so much i just wonder about. i don't know why we're so hard, i've never felt this way about anyone. you are my favorite experience, my favorite feeling, and you were my favorite sense of comfort while it lasted.

thank you for everything that you gave me, and all of the experiences i was able to have with you. and you were right, when you said we would be electric, because we were. you were invigorating, freeing. and still comfort in a way i've never known. i so badly wanted to show you all of my pieces. the flies, my 10 minute piece, was perfect, we finally pulled it together for acda and we made it into the gala. my solo in white, with the flag, brought me to tears just performing it at acda. it was the best it has ever felt, and skip said there wasn't a dry eye in the audience. orange juice .. is beautiful. it gives me chills, and i still think of you when i watch them do it. i have a trio, to tesselate by alt-j, which isn't anything emotionally significant but i do love the way its coming out and i think you'd like it. and my solo that i'm choreographing, is about you. you're in every aspect. i picked the song because it made me think of you. it just fit so perfectly .. it felt like us. and because of that, i decided to use a notebook and pen as props .. it adds another element that feels more personal to me. i'm only a minute & a half into the choreography, but i wish i could've shown you. just, another thing i wonder about often .. is if you still have anything that i gave you. i have all of yours, just .. in a box so that it didn't make me miss you more when i didn't know if i'd ever hear from you again. and if you don't have it, that's okay and i understand. honestly, if you did i'd be more surprised. i know how you like to disconnect, and if that's what it takes i understand. i just still wonder, but i feel more at peace the last week about things than i did before so if i never know .. that's okay too. i want you to do what's best for you. and if that's getting rid of physical things, do that. for the last month i kept an eye out though, silently, i just didn't reach out because i promised i wouldn't. i had so much to say. i just promised i wouldn't, so i stayed back. i just wanted to see that you were okay, and that you were happy, and that you were healthy and getting what you wanted out of life. no matter what kind of terms we're on, ever, that's all i've ever wanted for you. i always want to know that you're okay.

anyways. all of that being said, i hope you're well too. and i forgive you, i don't hold anything at all against you, and i never will. in case we never speak again, i wish you all of the happiness in the world.