in another lifetime.

{02.2021}

someone asked me tonight if i missed you. & i had to look her in the eye & tell her no, but i lied. i miss everything about you. i miss the way you would brush my knee underneath a table so that nobody would see, because i wasn't ready to be out about us. i miss the way you were protective of who talked to me, or who talked about me. i miss that you were soft, but only for me. i miss the way your eyes would light up when we made eye contact. i miss the forehead kisses & holding your hand in an empty restaurant when i was closing. i miss watching you play with the manager's daughter, her face all lit up & laughing, & i was just watching, thinking "i can't wait to have a child with this girl." i miss the stolen kisses & working a few mornings just so that i could see you. i miss the late nights and the fast responses, & the "drive safe, i love you"s. checking to make sure i had my seat belt on, worrying when i was drinking. lately, i keep finding myself thinking about the one day that we met alone outside of work. the way you were so nervous to kiss me for the first time, that you wanted it to be special no matter how long we had to wait. & it was. & it keeps replaying in my head. i miss being able to look at how beautiful you are & just say "that's my girlfriend." i miss talking about all of the plans that we wanted for the future. a little house, on open land, everything simple & nothing extravagant. all the adventures we wanted to have together. road trips, camping, watching a sunrise after being up all night. i miss being the only person you opened up to, because you always had your walls up for everyone else but never for me. i miss the playlists you made, or randomly sending me songs that made you think of me. i miss that we had a genuine connection that wasn't based on sex or drugs or even lust, like so many other relationships that we've seen. i really do believe that you were my twin flame. i have never, and will never connect with anyone the way i did with you. i never expected you. and yes, it hurt, and it still does. i think it always will, at least a little bit. but for the time that i had you in my life, i'll always be grateful. i know you hate the holiday season, but i hope that you think of me. thanksgiving, christmas, and even new years ... because i know i'll think of you. we weren't together long. but you'll always be a very important part of my life because that was a connection i've never experienced before.. so up and down, back and forth, toxic but at the same time attached. i really think i could've saved it, if i hadn't been so attached. but that's okay. "if our paths cross again"... in another lifetime.