bare

they say that when a girl falls in love, and when she's truly in love, her hair starts to be curlier. she feels comfortable, she's more comfortable naturally. she'll put away her straightener, stop using heat on it, stop damaging it. and it's depicted in all of the tv shows and movies... i thought it was a gimmick, a fun fairytale, until i sat down and thought about it.

i have only once in my life, been in a relationship where i wore my natural curls consistently. i have only once in my life, been comfortable enough with someone to let them see me naturally. no makeup, no straightener. comfy clothes, first thing in the morning... only once.

and that was what made me really realize, how truly in love with her i was. i always knew, sure, but i'd thought i loved other people before. with straightened hair and makeup on. i look back at pictures - rarely did i take pictures in my previous relationships where i had on no makeup with natural curls. but that was how she saw me, how i was comfortable with her seeing me. the barest, most vulnerable, most natural state of being. first thing in the morning, puffy eyes, barely awake, i remember laughing with her. her telling me how beautiful i was, even though i thought she was lying. or three in the morning, barely awake, in a dimly-lit orange tinged room, ran her hands across my bare face and told me i was the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen.

and she was the most beautifully crafted work of art that i've ever been able to hold. naturally, she was beautiful with dark features. dark lashes, dark eyes, dark hair. she never needed makeup, and she never wore it. i was absolutely infatuated with her, and still am. in every state of being. from everything to nothing, first thing in the morning to just falling asleep. her scent, her touch, her voice, her laugh.

the last night i spent with her, she was asleep when i came home. she doesn't know this, but i didn't want to wake her up, so i laid curled up facing the wall, fighting back tears. all of this has been so unfair, how can the universe keep two people apart the way it's done to us. i couldn't sleep knowing that in just a few hours, she would leave to go home and i wouldn't know when i would see her again. and amidst my stress, fear, sadness, she woke up. barely. and all i felt was that she wrapped her arm around my waist and pulled me close to her. i remember i turned over my shoulder to lay on hers, and that was when she woke up enough to realize i'd been crying. at first, i didn't want to tell her why. but i did, i broke down about how unfair it is that we've waited this long, loved each other this much, spent so much effort, for what felt like nothing. and my heart breaks every time i think about what things may have been like if circumstances would have been different. if we had been the same two souls, in different places in life, different situations, would we have worked out the first time? there was no way that the universe would have ripped us apart if circumstance had been different.. right?