to fall

before i'm gone, tell them ...

that i grew up in ballet shoes with a head full of dreams. twirling and tracing all of the seams. i came home exhausted for the rest of the week, only three years old chasing the first dream that i'd seek.

tell them i tried almost everything else, but nothing else in the world made me feel like myself. tell them i tried soccer, but guarding the goal, wasn't exactly in my ideas of a ball. i dreamed of high heels and falling in someone's arms, so i tried on my mom's heels and learned what it felt like to fall.

that i fell in love, but it wasn't enough, no matter what i did it just always felt tough. i learned that love wasn't enough to hold on, that rather it's all in someone else's control. it's thrilling, invigorating, in spite of it all, but sometimes it's only teaching you how to fall.

to fall out of love, to fall out of spaces, to try to forget all the beautiful faces that come from nowhere, or have been all along, you just have to find where your own heart belongs.

and i learned how to fall, and stand up once more .. only to find it made it harder to soar.

the first one was sweet, but we didn't work, and we both got so tired of all the hurt .. the second, i loved, wished for him for months, but he only wanted one thing on his hunts. he left out of lust, and it left me lost .. that's when i truly learned that love came at a cost.

the third, insignificant, he pursued me first, when i finally gave in, i finally learned that he had quenched his thirst by falling into the arms of others who chased him, the news came to me, cursed. it came from a friend who was never my friend, only came closer to me to gain closeness to him.

the fourth, our love was quiet. until it became loud, sometimes felt like a riot. it wasn't easy, but it just felt so pure, and then all the sudden we had to close the door. and we both stood there, on either side, praying it wasn't just one whole big lie, that we'd find our way back, that we'd figure it out, only to think it just might never be allowed. so we both stepped away, 3 years in between, still both knowing we couldn't cut the seam of the ribbon that bound us, attached to our spines, i knew i'd miss her the rest of my life.

the fifth was a wreck and we both lost ourselves, fighting and leaving coming back to be held, by hands that wouldn't hurt us, but by lips that already had, looking back the whole situation just made us both sad. so many tears and sleepless nights due to conflict unsolved, i silently think we both knew all along that we weren't meant for each other, we'd returned seeking comfort, but deep down we both knew we weren't meant to be lovers.

the fourth came back, again and again, and i thought that she might just be the end of my chapters of love, i wouldn't have to look further, the comfort she brought me felt like no other. the only problem with the "again, and again" was when i started to think it was only a trend. i added up all the times, and it didn't feel right, no matter how much i loved her i felt out of sight. i longed for someone to see me, to truly see who i was, because i just felt like i was never enough. but deep down i knew no one would ever see my heart, the way that did when it was all torn apart

and i fell, again, in the attention of someone new, in hopes that i could forget all that i had been through. there wasn't connection, it wasn't even a thought, it served only the purpose of forgetting the loss of the one person i loved, the one person who saw me, exactly as i was and never judged me. but i didn't forget, because how could i ever .. she made my whole heart feel as light as a feather. it only felt heavy when she was gone, i truly felt it breaking with her absence alone. and i told her that, what felt like hundreds of times, but now i begin to wonder again if it were all a lie.