the journal entries pt 3: the unspoken anger.

{3.6.2025}

i get scared that maybe, there is no "maybe one day". i told you, and i have to stick by it, that i could not do this again, that i genuinely didn't think i would survive it .. and in this second, i don't think i will. please don't come back just to wreck me again.

sometimes .. i think you just love to rip my heart out of my chest. because if you loved me .. you would've stayed. you would've communicated. you would've wanted to work on it. you have lost the privilege of saying you love me, you have lost the privilege of having access to me. you were everything to me, and so many times you treated me as if i meant nothing to you. you don't get to treat me the way you did, and say that you love me. you've lost the right, you've lost the privilege.. go fuck yourself. because fuck you, and fuck that. you're dead to me, and i want nothing to do with you. i am sick and tired of having my heart ripped out of me, because it's in your goddamn fist. and i LET YOU. i let you walk away with it, before you finally decide to bring it back to me, and put it back. and it only lasts so long until you rip it out again. so the next time that you snap out of an episode, and realize that you lost me, i hope it fucking destroys you. i hope it eats you to your goddamn fucking core, and that you feel it the way you made me fucking feel it. i hope that you start to realize, that after treating the one person who would've given you everything like NOTHING, that it literally rots you from the inside. fuck. you. fuck. that.

3/9/2025

i am so fucking tired of being led on for NOTHING.

3/16/2025

i actually wish you the worst. i hope that you realize your friends can be fake. i hope you feel ignored. i hope you start to realize that no one will love you like i did. no one will accept you the way i did. no one will put up with the bullshit the way I FUCKING DID. rot in hell actually. for so long i've wished you nothing but the absolute best, in health, in career, in mental health. i take every single ounce of my energy back. fuck you, fuck that. why can't i let you fucking go.