five years

something in the orange, something in the heavens, twin flames, soulmates, soul ties, fate.

i don't know what it was, and i don't know what it is, and i don't know what it will be.

all i know, is that i have loved her for five years.

five years ago this month i met her. and i don't know what it was. but there was something in her eyes, her smile, her laugh, her soul. it was familiar. i'd known her before. it was this magnetism i've never felt toward anyone, this pull that felt insatiable unless i was with her. we were "friends" but i wanted to talk to her constantly. so many times, we'd fall asleep texting. phone open, in the chat, where it would still say we were typing, because saying goodnight wasn't enough if it meant the end of a conversation. i was so pulled to her that i could feel her energy in a room, even if i didn't expect to see her, i felt her when she walked in. i felt her before i saw her. the weird, unfamiliar familiarity of two souls. we were "friends." i don't know what it was.

and one random monday, i begged her to meet me for brunch. i didn't expect anything, i didn't intend for anything to happen. all i remember was reaching for her hand, and i couldn't explain it, it was just a feeling, and no matter how confused i was, i knew what i wanted in that moment, and it was her. and i fought it, or i tried, but it just left me lost in an effort of trying to fight the one thing i wanted.

i think back then it was too much for both of us to fully grasp. there was a connection, there was a pull, kisses in parking lots and conversations on swing sets in december. but there was rarely an "i love you," it was just "love u." and i think we were scared, i think i was scared of my parents, and she was scared that i'd never tell them. and it took me almost 5 years to, but i did.

in may, i moved. we weren't on good terms, i wanted her to tell me to stay, but she didn't, and i left. and from may of 2021, to june of 2022, we'd just periodically check in, make sure the other was okay. checking socials silently, just keeping an eye to make sure they were okay. an occasional "i miss you," followed by silence when we knew we couldn't take things anywhere. i don't know what it was, but it was so much more than nothing.

from june of 2022, until february of 2024 .. we were no contact. she was in a relationship publicly, and i tried to respect it, while i held a relationship off of my socials. but i still checked hers, to see if she was okay. to make sure she was happy. to make sure she was safe.

and then, 3 years after we'd broken things off, i had a message from her. a simple "hey" that turned into "i miss you"s and "i wish we had another chance." and i wished we did too. i don't know what it was.

and for months, i stayed torn between what was comfortable but left me generally unfulfilled, and what i knew my soul longed for. yearned for. and i fought it, and i fought with myself, and so many tears were shed both ways.

and i know that some of my actions weren't right, and they weren't fair, and they should've been better handled in situations. regulated my own heart before involving someone else's.

all i know, is what i want. what my soul wants. i've tried to separate myself, i've tried to cut the cord, but all i've learned is that you can't cut a soul tie with a twin flame. and for the rest of my life, i know i'll feel the same energy, energy that's not mine, but tied to me. sometimes it feels older, like memories, and like i'm back in the time where i saw her every day. but sometimes it's newer, in knowing her routine 12 hours away from each other, in her own home i've never been. but she's been in mine, and often times, i still feel it. sometimes in dreams, sometimes in faint imagery remembering certain things in certain places. kisses in my kitchen, or sitting on my bedroom floor with her, before i had a vanity, helping to take care of her piercings. sometimes it's kneeling by the bathtub, my head on her shoulder, or the notes she left on the mirrors. if it's memories in my bed, though, it's laughing, or it's her holding me as i cried because of hating the distance the last time i saw her. it's her coming in my room at 2am, when my face was tear stained and all she did was hug me without saying a word. and somehow, all of those memories feel so much more intimate than what we think of intimacy as a society. those little moments, have been retraced in my mind so many times, so much more often than anything else. her flowers still hang on my wall, her birthday is still my passcode. even though everything else is put away. i can't use the orange juice cups, because those were her favorite ones here and it's a memory i can't erase. but when i leave, when i move, wherever i go, they'll go with me, just to have a piece of something. just in case i ever see her again. and even if i don't, i'll still have the memories. i just don't know what it will be.