crashing out

{07.08.2026}

we are hardly friends. but you say it to make yourself feel better, so that you don't have to wonder if you're sick for turning me away. but you will speak to anyone but me, you will listen to anyone but me. you will like anyone's posts but mine, and you will keep a goddamn snapchat streak with anyone but me for more than two days at most.

and i hate that i love you. i hate that i adore you with every cell of my being, every bone in my body, every breath i take. i hate that i have made myself bleed as many times as i did, so that it would hurt more than you did, and that i kissed you drunk on my knees praying that we'd remember it, while now wishing i didn't.

because trying to be friends with you has drained me. i'm still so in love with you. and you have nothing for me but disregard. "i don't hate you, i forgive you, and i think you're a good person with a good heart."

but it was a heart that wasn't worth love. it wasn't worth care. it wasn't worth chasing.

but it was worth breaking. as many times as you did. it was worth all of the times it was turned away, and the unhealed marks remind me of it every single day.

i have changed everything about myself. my faith became stronger, my body smaller, my hair shorter, my clothes more modest. i have changed everything about myself for myself, but with the tiniest sliver of hope in the back of my mind that you'd notice, that you'd care, that you'd think twice about me for once. that for once, you'd see me.

but you didn't want to see me, you only wanted to see the potential before it was real. you wanted a project, you wanted to change me. you wanted me to see things in a new light, in a different light. don't worry, i won't be around to bother you.