a dream

{05.12.2026}

and all of the sudden, i was sixteen again. in the same state, same city, with the same person. and i felt a side of myself that i hadn't seen in years, with a certain sense of peace that i hadn't known i could feel ever again.

it felt like a dream, just waiting to be pinched awake, just like the dreams i'd continued to have about him years after i'd moved away. as often as i'd had those dreams, i didn't think it would ever be real again. but there i was, twenty four, my hand in his, christmas dinner with his family. his parents were the same, his mom still one of the sweetest women i've ever met. and for a moment i thought, maybe i could move past everything from the last eight years of my life. the moves, the failed relationships, the versions of myself that i had cycled through. maybe, just maybe, i could take all of those lessons, and reapply them to the first person i'd truly fallen for, the first person i'd truly cared about. the first heartbreak that had sent me spiraling while it fueled my writing, the first time i'd learned what it was like to feel your heart crack in your chest while looking for distractions in other people. maybe, i could take all that i'd learned, and try again. healthier, more mature, more knowledge, more relationship experience. maybe i could make it work this time.

and then i ruined it. i got scared, and i pulled back, out of nowhere i avoided everything i felt because i wasn't sure that i was a good enough person to deserve it. after everything, i didn't feel that i deserved to be happy, i didn't deserve to be with someone who kissed my hands and forehead randomly just because. i didn't deserve someone who looked at me with tears i wiped from his eyes the day after christmas, just thinking about how a phone call wouldn't be the same. i had been taught that i didn't deserve communication, or a partner through the most important accomplishments in my life. that at any point, someone could pull back from me in silence without looking back, and that that meant i didn't deserve what i had.

but i did. and i wanted it so badly. i so badly craved to be loved. to be loved purely and honestly, without resentment or hatred. and i had it. i tasted it, and it was sweet and it was safe. i finally had what i'd dreamed of, what i'd prayed for, what i'd longed for. until i woke up.