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{4.9.2023}

I have spent so many years packing my emotions carefully into a box, and tucking them away in the corner. I had just felt so much guilt in my younger years for feeling, for expressing, for existing. I forced myself to grow up, convinced myself that there was nothing that was deep enough to hurt me anymore. I felt like I was finally in control, no one could judge me for it anymore, or guilt me. I no longer had to walk around feeling as if I was a burden to everyone around me, I was more talkative and presented myself as more confident, even if I seemed cold. I thought the battle was over, but I was wrong.

I met someone, and for months, she begged me to open up about my emotions. I didn't think that they were there anymore, I thought I burned the box in the corner years ago. But in the past few months I've started looking for it, trying to bring back the part of myself that was genuine and kind, and this time less naive. I wanted to take down the stone walls that provided me comfort previously, to replace them with a fence, and a gate. I wanted to be able to invite people in again and feel things that I hadn't felt in years.

I took a look at the world around me and the hinges on the gate began to rust, I tried to shut myself off. I wanted to force everyone out of my life because I felt like a burden again. I needed to deal with all of it on my own, just like I always have. The issue was that this time, I couldn't force everyone out. So the gate eventually broke, and I began to feel everything, and I realized that I was just so mad at the world that it was hard to control.

I was mad at the world for hurting me the way that it did, and leaving me the way that I am. The faith that I had grown up on failed me years ago, and I've been desperately searching for something to believe in, but it's hard to believe in something when everything around you is in shambles. I learned that the trust issues I'd developed in my previous relationships made it more difficult to be in a healthy relationship, regardless of how much I love her.

I feel everything now, and I tried to blame it on everything from the stars to the moon to the cycles of my body. But I realized that nothing else is to blame but a broken gate. I am desperately wanting to feel loved and cherished, safe and secure but my previous situations have made that even harder. I find myself always wanting to feel like I'm worth something more than a clock-in number or some words on a page. I see everything wrong around me and it makes me realize that I am too small to make the differences that I want to make, to advocate for the change I want to see in the world, to reflect how people should treat each other.

This was what I wanted. I wanted to open myself up, allow myself to be more vulnerable and emotionally inviting. So if this is what I asked for, why am I so hurt now?